Yet the most human they’ve ever been.
One day. You’re 72 (or 65 or 76 or 90); and suddenly you’re not a valid human anymore.
Your children decide you can’t drive anymore… Even though you’ve always driven like a jerk, now it’s because you’re ‘old’.
By the time you have appeased a few small changes they insisted on, you realize you’ve lost your autonomy. Now you can’t argue the matter of going into a home, you can’t stand up and tell them you’re still their parent. “I brought you into this world and I can take you out”; suddenly carries absolutely zero weight.
Me and you both understand, that yes, as much as it sucks to admit it, there are some things that you just can’t do like you used to… Facts.
You now do it slower, do it with help or you always hated doing it anyway and now feel free enough to NOT do it.
Life showed you so many amazing things and afforded you so many books and articles, that your eyes do in fact struggle to focus as well as they used to.
You’ve had to listen to so many incredible stories and speeches and then to your teenager’s terrible music, your spouse and friend’s complaints and your grandchildren’s toys. You have listened to unsolicited advice and opinions more times than you can count… So why be surprised when your ears start ‘auto-tuning or selective listening or just quit all together?
We can talk about your hands, your voice, your dexterity and your bladder too… But none of those parts make you who you are. Whilst you might be praying for some replacement parts, you also don’t feel any less like your 30/40year old self, without them. Right?
Whether my questioning & curiosity was for my gain, their release or both… I don’t know. I do feel privileged to have had as many conversations and interactions with generations far more experienced than me. I’ve learnt so much… And hope to continue to learn and listen to those willing to share.
In my personal and professional capacity I have witnessed families and familiars reach a pivotal moment… A turning point… Different in situation and details, but the just of it is; something happens and then there’s a choice… Sometimes just one choice, one moment… Other times a few choices and changes leads the shift. An aging parent falls, has a small stroke, forgot where they live or doesn’t answer their phone fast enough… Their child, sometimes their spouse; decides it’s a sign to start making other arrangements. Always the same, once that pivot point is reached, there’s dramatic action and autonomy starts to wane.
Who knows, maybe that’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be.? Maybe that’s just the circle of life and how we’re emotionally and psychologically wired to ‘enable/enforce’, the natural process of dying? Sometimes, very seldomly, I sympathize with the adult child… being the child, it must be hard to know when is the right time? Your adult can’t be trusted to guide you, so you chose caution over consciousness…?
Working in frail care years ago, kids would come in, stop at reception, pay the bill or deliver a package, bring some flowers or supplies and they’d leave… Maybe my resentment toward adult children and partners, originated there. “What? You’re not going to say hi to your mom, she’s awake”… ‘No time’ / ‘Coming back later’ / ‘Need to xyz’… You name it, I’ve heard the excuse. I had grown to learn from, listen to and love that same person, they are now avoiding. Even as I am writing this, the expression of disgust fills my face.
I tried, I also try… to make excuses for shitty behaviour. Maybe they really are busy, maybe it’s hard to see someone who used to be your hero, fade and age… Maybe they feel guilty, maybe they were abused by said parent, God knows I tried to understand it before I judged it.
I am truly not judging their choices, not judging the fact that they placed their spouse or parent in assisted living or whereever… what i AM JUDGING though… Is how they forget…how they dismiss… how the aging party is now just no longer a valid human.
Maybe at a point in their life when they are the MOST human they’ve ever been.