(it’s not really clear, as this was written in the in betweens of different days’ massage memoirs. The stories bodies have told, the stories of a human’s unfold…)
Too many entries have initials and details that I don’t feel right or necessary; another example of an instance where lying is just easier.
(Then authors come to mind… liars right? Noooo… ‘imaginative, creative, dreamers and magicians’ are just some of the medals we adorn them with… all a little silly ain’t it)
Just as silly as me not saying a person’s name or gender truthfully? Wouldn’t you want to know what your therapist experienced during your session…? Would your therapist actually want you to know…? What if everyone links you and your most inner truths and insecurities are revealed? Or g-forbid someone suddenly understands you/ someone else better?
All a little silly, ain’t it?
Anyway, all I’m saying (to myself more that anything) is; let’s keep it simple stupid. Going forward, just leave the faff and tell the story. Doesn’t really matter who it was or where and when…
Today started with a husband, ridiculously early. Late booking and I squeezed this husband and wife duo in. Made two spaces and naturally the wife told her hubby that he’s taking the 6:30 am slot, she’ll squeeze in the lunchtime slot. This happens more often than not, sl (Soft laugh)
Then; (See now… if I was to truthfully run through today’s interactions, then I would have to mention an event/retreat/circumstance of the time… because so much synchronicity/ cross / integration/ culmination occurs in my day to day, not just inside my massage space, but also outside it. Yet, if I mention it, 40% of the anonymity of my clients disappear too. Smirk, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.)
Real time/real world example of just how strong my self-sabotage game is… (it comes from a good place, it thinks I need protection, it’s just trying to keep me safe – safe being exactly where I am, unexposed) Anyway, I was saying that THIS POINT, here and now I need to pick a lane and make a decision and stick with it. And guess what happened… lol, my laptop just shut down and restarted!
Like my energy/being/mind and whatever other influence predicted I would just leave it. Again. Stay ‘safe’ stuck in my loop.
It’s not always fun being this self-aware, knowing myself well enough, to know that I’d happily post this mad mental struggle. I’ll password protect it and then probably share it with someone, someone who’s opinion I value immensely or who’s opinion I am closed to hearing or certain to disagree with. Either way, my seek for external validation is already pre-validated by myself (truth of it revealed by who I chose to share it with). Eye roll, irritated with myself and all these unnecessary processes… It’s all a little silly… ain’t it?
By saying it, I am less likely to now do exactly that. That protective side of me feels ‘caught out’ and then pretends it never would have done that (and sometimes it gives me a high five). IF, however, you are the one i shared it with… (internalised eye roll), please don’t ask which one you are… of course i will say you’re the opinion I value most. Don’t believe me. Just look back at the last time I asked your opinion… I’m sure the answer is there.
I’m picking a lane, promise! …I just need to sit on it for a while longer while I weight up all possibilities, risks, consequences, future versions of myself lovls (laugh out very loud and sarcastically)
A little silly… ain’t it.